I feel like a broken record. I'm not coping. I have spent the day arguing with various alters, then checked out around half 2, only to come back now (11pm). Today and yesterday has been really tough. Yesterday was very switchy. When I wasn't out, I was still there watching what was going on with whoever was out. When I was out, at least one person would be there with me, as real as anyone else, walking around, commenting on what I was doing, incessant questions, advice giving that I feel unable to take, then there would be a switch when I wouldnt listen and someone else would take over and do what they had been suggesting in the first place.

To begin with, it was unnerving, mainly for the fact that I had a chat with one of the support workers here, and someone else was there the whole time, distracting me from what I was trying to say, demanding that I answer him. I tried talking to him mentally to ask for some time/space, but then panicked that he would take over and the support worker wouldn't know what to do. I don't even know if that was yesterday or the day before actually, everything is meshing together.

I was up at Foyle Advocates to get some help with housing stuff, and the whole time there I was switching. I arrived, nearly got squashed by the lift door, panicked, and Marie was there, she jumped in and left me 'out' and I stood there screaming at her to stop fucking about as she had a smoke and a chat with two of the workers there. It wasn't until we got up to the office did I get back in, as she sat opposite me, laughing at how much I got my knickers in a twist. After that, I tried to get some stuff sorted, then waited for a while with another worker from there on the sofa as it was lunch hour and the person needing contacting at the Housing Executive was on lunch. I was a mess, trying not to cry, completely thrown by why Marie had done that (almost to intentionally throw me off guard), and he was talking away to me. I think he could tell I was struggling. I cant remember a lot of the conversation, just a lot of trying not to be a mess. Then Marie was joined by Lucy. I panicked. What if Lucy did what Marie done and came out there and then?

She didn't, and I got home OK.

I asked the staff here to maybe try their hand with housing as well as I didn't see much headway being made with Foyle Advocates.

I came upstairs, shouted at Marie, not knowing if it was me who was in the body or out of it, got into a state and lost time. When I came round, it was this morning. Only Siobhan was with me for a while, and was just trying to comfort me. The whole time yesterday, and of what time I had today, everyone has been chattering constantly, the body has been torn so many different directions emotionally. Panic attacks, followed by being fine, then feeling lost...it's like everyone's feelings are leaking into the one boiling pot. Physically dealing with anxiety, then sudden cheerfulness, then sudden pining? I think, stomach is upset, and head is killing me.

No wonder it was thought I was emotionally unstable. “I'm” not though, I pretty much spend most of my days being overwhelmed or depressed, it is trying to deal with emotions from everyone else is the problem.

This is all fuelling the fire of hopelessness. I think I can see why things are so out of control at the moment. Hospital meant reality was suspended for a while, I could choose to avoid stresses such as housing, daily living, etc. I should have been more open about a lot of things while I was in there, but I wasn't. I just wanted out, and done everything in my power to make them let me out. Which included not using the service properly, just trying to muddle along saying what they wanted to hear, and doing things like getting out of bed in the morning, showering, eating the odd thing, etc. I had a distraction, a project even. Project Discharge. It gave me a focus other than the constant suicidal thoughts and for the first time in a long time, we all banded together in getting discharged. There were a few hiccups here and there, but, it seemed to work. Out now, and as worse as ever.

But being dropped straight back into the practical situation I was in before and realising that nothing has changed, has meant that things have went back to suare one. There is a massive reaction to my thought processes over the past while and it has all culminated on, what seems to be, me being supervised when I am out and unhelpful interruptions into areas of functioning (term used very loosely).

I know I should ask for help, that is what everone (even on this side) is telling me, but I don't know how. The thing is, I am afraid if I don't, someone else will step and do it for me. Do they not realise we will all end up back in hospital if this happens though? I can feel a shift and I don't like it.

The 27^th was a bit of a trigger for everyone. I am hoping this is just all part of the aftermath. Things should settle a bit, shouldnt they? Things will go back to good old fashioned loud head and losing time, with only the odd one here and there coming out to grace me with their presence. I have started remembering some stuff from when I am inside. Usually, I just remember soft, warm, darkness, but a nice darkness, not a scary type. Some of the others have started to come to me more when I am inside now though, but my brain isn't cooperating and will only allow me to remember snippets.

What's happening with me? I can self analyse all I want, but I really don't have a clue what is going on.

I need help

I had an appointment for the first time ever with a CPN on Tuesday morning.  Having lost time all Monday, and only coming round Tuesday morning, I was in a strange house, on a couch I didst recognise, and pissed as a fart.
I looked through some post in the kitchen to get an address so I knew where to call the taxi to.  I didn't recognise the names on any of the letters.  The taxi came, and I went, still rat-arsed drunk, to the primary care liaison service, dressed like a tramp, smelling like an alcoholic and stumbling over my feet.
When the CPN called me in, she couldn't have been nicer.  I was too busy being on the defensive about everything.  I had come round fuck knows where, and was now sitting in front of this woman drunk and still dressed like a teenager.  I felt so small, and ashamed of the situation I was in.  What must her impression of me been?
Of course, I didn't tell her where I had come from or why I was sitting there bestraggled and half cut.  When she asked me how I had been, how I was sleeping, etc, I gave her all very perfunctory "I'm fine" type answers.  I told her I didn't want to be there, I didn't need the help, and I would manage perfectly fine alone.  Why was I such an eejit?  I am really struggling with everything at the moment and could really use some support, yet when I am sitting there in front of said support, I do nothing but push it away.
I rang her back today.  I apologised for the state I was in when I saw her last and arranged another appointment.  She told me following out last meeting, she had spoken to the consultant and they had agreed on 3 meetings with me, seeing as I didn't want to engage, and then, I presume, discharging me from the service.  I just kind of "uh-huhed" and changed the subject.
How do I bring up with her that I have changed my mind, that I feel I need the service, and the only reason I was so dismissive of everything was a mixture of being pissed, embarrassed and feeling very vulnerable the last time I spoke to her?  Do I even have a right to ask?  Should I expect her to say "OK, that's fine", or "too late, you had your chance"?

Today as well I got the news that the place where I am living is no longer offering their services to people aged 16-25, it is now going to 16-21.  This means that now I need to move.  It isn't an immediate thing, they wont leave me on the streets or anything, but I do need to try to find suitable accommodation other than here.
The Housing Executive have been horrible to deal with here.  To begin with, they said I was intentionally homeless, a decision which they were forced to review and overturn, and now they are saying, OK, you are unintentionally homeless but you are not in priority need.  Despite the fact I meet more than half the list of criteria, of which you only have to meet one thing.  I sent an email on Monday, of which I have heard nothing back, and left a few phone messages for the woman dealing with me, none of which have been returned.  I made an appointment with Foyle Advocates, who were really helpful while I was in hospital and who have promised that they will help me come to some sort of resolution on the matter.
DLA is yet to be sorted out because they haven't got all the information they need yet, so a decision has yet to be made.  Meanwhile, I am skint, I cant move forward on some things like housing, because I haven't been awarded the DLA yet, and everyone seems to measure your needs based on the outcome of your eligibility for certain benefits, which is both ridiculous, and counter productive.

Nothing has changed since I tried to take my life.  I was completely overwhelmed by everything.  I had lost my home, my partner, had my previous life torn from me, went to a hellhole for a few weeks, ran from refuge to refuge and settled back in Northern Ireland with nothing but a suitcase and not a single person to put down even as a next of kin.  I know no-one in the area, have no support system, and flashbacks, nightmares and dissociative symptoms are at the worst they have been in a long time.  I have had to fight tooth and nail for something as basic as housing, despite meeting criteria, and have come across constant obstacles in anything I have tried to pursue.  I am physically and emotionally exhausted.  Being in hospital served as a suspension of reality, it allowed me to lose focus of the real issues for a while in favour of focusing on getting discharged, but now I am out, I am back to square one, and back in the emotional mess I was before, but now with the cherry on top of having to move from a place I had just started to think of as somewhere where I could at least maybe tap into the support.
Then there is all the emotional crap on top of that.  Trying to deal with losing time and coming round to all my money being gone (before I went grocery shopping or paid bills), not sleeping well, my head being rammed up my own arse not knowing which way I am coming or going and generally being an incapable mess.  Maybe I just feel like I am coming up against walls with everything because of how much I am struggling, and not able to deal with the basic stuff, and actually, everything is OK?  No, it is far from OK, but I do think my inability to function is certainly playing a role in all of this.

I feel like I cant even leave the flat because I don't want to be around people.

I am back where I was maybe a week before I went into hospital.  This is suffocating.

Cornered

Things are a lot worse since Monday.

Emotionally, I feel...I'm not sure actually.  is apathetic the right word?  No, it isnt.  I have given up keeping my head above water, and I am now at the not drowned yet, but still underwater point of the do I dont I of suicide.  It isnt even do I or dont I, it has got to the why haven't I already, and when am I going to do it.

I didnt go to the doctor today.  I actually had every intention of going after I cancelled and was forced to rearrange it by the staff here on the threat that if I didnt go I could lose my place here.  I lost a chunk between about 10am and just after 2.  My appointment was at 2.  The Dr rang at about half 2, asking why I hadnt arrived.  I hadnt a decent excuse, so I apologised, said I had seen someone on Monday, thanks, and bye, but she wasnt finished talking.  She made an appoitment for me to come in and see her at 3.30 the next day.  I tried to explain I was fine and didnt need to see a doctor, but I think my arguement was flawed given that I was crying the whole time while speaking to her.

I used to hate when I needed help, asked for it and never got it.  I used to feel so crappy about it.  Now when I am feeling like this and I dont want help, I dont want anyone near me, this is when I get it?  Fuck this for a glacé cherry.

I will go to the appointment tomorrow/today (it is after 3am) and sit down and answer her questions, or get meds, or whatever it is the point of it is.  I will tell her all the right things so she can tick the right boxes, so I can come home and be left in peace.

All I need to do, in theory, is assure, no, convince here that I am not a risk to myself.  This is of course providing I dont freak out ond lose time like I did today.  Even at that, there isnt enough caffeine in the world to muster enough energy or perkiness from me at the minute.  Even this, I started writing at about 0255...it is now 0320.  25mins it has taken so far just to scribble out a quick paragraph, and it's typing, which is quicker than scribbling.

I am afraid of everything tumbling out, telling her everything.  Logically I tell myself, that isnt going to happen, it is never something I would do, but what if I switch, or freak out?

If I read a blog like this, seriously, I would seriously be tearing into the person by now telling them to wise up, catch themselves on, get a life, and stop being such an arsehole.  If I am suicidal, I should just kill myself.  But I dont know what the fuck I am!

I have the means, the know how and the time, no, no I dont have the time.  The best time to do it would be a weekend night when I am less likely to be checked on given that said method can take up to 12hrs until someone is definitely unrevivable.

If I am chucked into hospital tomorrow, there isnt a chance I will be allowed to keep my place here.  It is temporary supported accomodation for homeless folk.  If your support needs are too high, they can by all means kick you out, but I dont know if I can be left high and dry.  I mean, if I was chucked into local cracker factory, would they give me til I got out to find a place, would they send my things up to me, would they be decent enough to go into hospital, come out and give me an amount of time to find somewhere else?  All I would need is overnight here if they were to kick me out, then I could just finish the job.

See, even if I didnt top myself, there is still something, always some fucking crisis to be averted.  I wish I had one of those normal, happy, quiet lives.

Fuck this.