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Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Cornered

Things are a lot worse since Monday.

Emotionally, I feel...I'm not sure actually.  is apathetic the right word?  No, it isnt.  I have given up keeping my head above water, and I am now at the not drowned yet, but still underwater point of the do I dont I of suicide.  It isnt even do I or dont I, it has got to the why haven't I already, and when am I going to do it.

I didnt go to the doctor today.  I actually had every intention of going after I cancelled and was forced to rearrange it by the staff here on the threat that if I didnt go I could lose my place here.  I lost a chunk between about 10am and just after 2.  My appointment was at 2.  The Dr rang at about half 2, asking why I hadnt arrived.  I hadnt a decent excuse, so I apologised, said I had seen someone on Monday, thanks, and bye, but she wasnt finished talking.  She made an appoitment for me to come in and see her at 3.30 the next day.  I tried to explain I was fine and didnt need to see a doctor, but I think my arguement was flawed given that I was crying the whole time while speaking to her.

I used to hate when I needed help, asked for it and never got it.  I used to feel so crappy about it.  Now when I am feeling like this and I dont want help, I dont want anyone near me, this is when I get it?  Fuck this for a glacé cherry.

I will go to the appointment tomorrow/today (it is after 3am) and sit down and answer her questions, or get meds, or whatever it is the point of it is.  I will tell her all the right things so she can tick the right boxes, so I can come home and be left in peace.

All I need to do, in theory, is assure, no, convince here that I am not a risk to myself.  This is of course providing I dont freak out ond lose time like I did today.  Even at that, there isnt enough caffeine in the world to muster enough energy or perkiness from me at the minute.  Even this, I started writing at about 0255...it is now 0320.  25mins it has taken so far just to scribble out a quick paragraph, and it's typing, which is quicker than scribbling.

I am afraid of everything tumbling out, telling her everything.  Logically I tell myself, that isnt going to happen, it is never something I would do, but what if I switch, or freak out?

If I read a blog like this, seriously, I would seriously be tearing into the person by now telling them to wise up, catch themselves on, get a life, and stop being such an arsehole.  If I am suicidal, I should just kill myself.  But I dont know what the fuck I am!

I have the means, the know how and the time, no, no I dont have the time.  The best time to do it would be a weekend night when I am less likely to be checked on given that said method can take up to 12hrs until someone is definitely unrevivable.

If I am chucked into hospital tomorrow, there isnt a chance I will be allowed to keep my place here.  It is temporary supported accomodation for homeless folk.  If your support needs are too high, they can by all means kick you out, but I dont know if I can be left high and dry.  I mean, if I was chucked into local cracker factory, would they give me til I got out to find a place, would they send my things up to me, would they be decent enough to go into hospital, come out and give me an amount of time to find somewhere else?  All I would need is overnight here if they were to kick me out, then I could just finish the job.

See, even if I didnt top myself, there is still something, always some fucking crisis to be averted.  I wish I had one of those normal, happy, quiet lives.

Fuck this.

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