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Thursday, 16 June 2011

Finally the end

I didnt manage to fool the GP; she sent me for an assessment.  The CPN didnt really seem all that interested, not that I told her much anyway.  Thank fuck for health professionals that dont care enough to see past their own nose...I didnt get put in hospital.  I got let home.

I have made my decision now, so I will stick to it.  I really wish things could have been different though.  I wish none of the bad things happened, I wish people cared more, I wish someone could have taken me by the hand and shown me a way not to hurt anymore.

I feel so stupid.  After speaking to the GP today, I thought, maybe I caan manage to be open with the CPN at the assesssment, maybe they can help, but then I got there.  I couldn't.

One of the questions in the assessment was "what have you got to live for".  I dont know.  I have no family, no friends, no job, no prospects, just a whole lot of tomorrows not coping.  She said "what stopped you so far".  I could hardly say cowardice, but I think that is what it has been.

I have a load of insulin pens I procured through some shady means a while ago.  I have zopiclone I can take to make sure I am knocked out enough that I dont wake up in a hypo.  If 18mls of insulin, mix of fast acting and slow acting to make sure the damage is done, doesnt kill me, I dont know what will.  At least it will be an easy death.  I will take the zopiclone, then the insulin injected in various sites, I should slip off unscathed.  If it really doesnt kill me, I will at least be so badly brain damaged I wont have a clue what is going on, and really, if I dont know what is going on, I wont remember the past.

Im done.

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