I didnt manage to fool the GP; she sent me for an assessment. The CPN didnt really seem all that interested, not that I told her much anyway. Thank fuck for health professionals that dont care enough to see past their own nose...I didnt get put in hospital. I got let home.
I have made my decision now, so I will stick to it. I really wish things could have been different though. I wish none of the bad things happened, I wish people cared more, I wish someone could have taken me by the hand and shown me a way not to hurt anymore.
I feel so stupid. After speaking to the GP today, I thought, maybe I caan manage to be open with the CPN at the assesssment, maybe they can help, but then I got there. I couldn't.
One of the questions in the assessment was "what have you got to live for". I dont know. I have no family, no friends, no job, no prospects, just a whole lot of tomorrows not coping. She said "what stopped you so far". I could hardly say cowardice, but I think that is what it has been.
I have a load of insulin pens I procured through some shady means a while ago. I have zopiclone I can take to make sure I am knocked out enough that I dont wake up in a hypo. If 18mls of insulin, mix of fast acting and slow acting to make sure the damage is done, doesnt kill me, I dont know what will. At least it will be an easy death. I will take the zopiclone, then the insulin injected in various sites, I should slip off unscathed. If it really doesnt kill me, I will at least be so badly brain damaged I wont have a clue what is going on, and really, if I dont know what is going on, I wont remember the past.