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Friday, 29 July 2011

I feel like a broken record. I'm not coping. I have spent the day arguing with various alters, then checked out around half 2, only to come back now (11pm). Today and yesterday has been really tough. Yesterday was very switchy. When I wasn't out, I was still there watching what was going on with whoever was out. When I was out, at least one person would be there with me, as real as anyone else, walking around, commenting on what I was doing, incessant questions, advice giving that I feel unable to take, then there would be a switch when I wouldnt listen and someone else would take over and do what they had been suggesting in the first place.
To begin with, it was unnerving, mainly for the fact that I had a chat with one of the support workers here, and someone else was there the whole time, distracting me from what I was trying to say, demanding that I answer him. I tried talking to him mentally to ask for some time/space, but then panicked that he would take over and the support worker wouldn't know what to do. I don't even know if that was yesterday or the day before actually, everything is meshing together.
I was up at Foyle Advocates to get some help with housing stuff, and the whole time there I was switching. I arrived, nearly got squashed by the lift door, panicked, and Marie was there, she jumped in and left me 'out' and I stood there screaming at her to stop fucking about as she had a smoke and a chat with two of the workers there. It wasn't until we got up to the office did I get back in, as she sat opposite me, laughing at how much I got my knickers in a twist. After that, I tried to get some stuff sorted, then waited for a while with another worker from there on the sofa as it was lunch hour and the person needing contacting at the Housing Executive was on lunch. I was a mess, trying not to cry, completely thrown by why Marie had done that (almost to intentionally throw me off guard), and he was talking away to me. I think he could tell I was struggling. I cant remember a lot of the conversation, just a lot of trying not to be a mess. Then Marie was joined by Lucy. I panicked. What if Lucy did what Marie done and came out there and then?
She didn't, and I got home OK.
I asked the staff here to maybe try their hand with housing as well as I didn't see much headway being made with Foyle Advocates.
I came upstairs, shouted at Marie, not knowing if it was me who was in the body or out of it, got into a state and lost time. When I came round, it was this morning. Only Siobhan was with me for a while, and was just trying to comfort me. The whole time yesterday, and of what time I had today, everyone has been chattering constantly, the body has been torn so many different directions emotionally. Panic attacks, followed by being fine, then feeling's like everyone's feelings are leaking into the one boiling pot. Physically dealing with anxiety, then sudden cheerfulness, then sudden pining? I think, stomach is upset, and head is killing me.
No wonder it was thought I was emotionally unstable. “I'm” not though, I pretty much spend most of my days being overwhelmed or depressed, it is trying to deal with emotions from everyone else is the problem.

This is all fuelling the fire of hopelessness. I think I can see why things are so out of control at the moment. Hospital meant reality was suspended for a while, I could choose to avoid stresses such as housing, daily living, etc. I should have been more open about a lot of things while I was in there, but I wasn't. I just wanted out, and done everything in my power to make them let me out. Which included not using the service properly, just trying to muddle along saying what they wanted to hear, and doing things like getting out of bed in the morning, showering, eating the odd thing, etc. I had a distraction, a project even. Project Discharge. It gave me a focus other than the constant suicidal thoughts and for the first time in a long time, we all banded together in getting discharged. There were a few hiccups here and there, but, it seemed to work. Out now, and as worse as ever.

But being dropped straight back into the practical situation I was in before and realising that nothing has changed, has meant that things have went back to suare one. There is a massive reaction to my thought processes over the past while and it has all culminated on, what seems to be, me being supervised when I am out and unhelpful interruptions into areas of functioning (term used very loosely).
I know I should ask for help, that is what everone (even on this side) is telling me, but I don't know how. The thing is, I am afraid if I don't, someone else will step and do it for me. Do they not realise we will all end up back in hospital if this happens though? I can feel a shift and I don't like it.

The 27th was a bit of a trigger for everyone. I am hoping this is just all part of the aftermath. Things should settle a bit, shouldnt they? Things will go back to good old fashioned loud head and losing time, with only the odd one here and there coming out to grace me with their presence. I have started remembering some stuff from when I am inside. Usually, I just remember soft, warm, darkness, but a nice darkness, not a scary type. Some of the others have started to come to me more when I am inside now though, but my brain isn't cooperating and will only allow me to remember snippets.

What's happening with me? I can self analyse all I want, but I really don't have a clue what is going on.

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