I had an appointment for the first time ever with a CPN on Tuesday morning. Having lost time all Monday, and only coming round Tuesday morning, I was in a strange house, on a couch I didst recognise, and pissed as a fart.
I looked through some post in the kitchen to get an address so I knew where to call the taxi to. I didn't recognise the names on any of the letters. The taxi came, and I went, still rat-arsed drunk, to the primary care liaison service, dressed like a tramp, smelling like an alcoholic and stumbling over my feet.
When the CPN called me in, she couldn't have been nicer. I was too busy being on the defensive about everything. I had come round fuck knows where, and was now sitting in front of this woman drunk and still dressed like a teenager. I felt so small, and ashamed of the situation I was in. What must her impression of me been?
Of course, I didn't tell her where I had come from or why I was sitting there bestraggled and half cut. When she asked me how I had been, how I was sleeping, etc, I gave her all very perfunctory "I'm fine" type answers. I told her I didn't want to be there, I didn't need the help, and I would manage perfectly fine alone. Why was I such an eejit? I am really struggling with everything at the moment and could really use some support, yet when I am sitting there in front of said support, I do nothing but push it away.
I rang her back today. I apologised for the state I was in when I saw her last and arranged another appointment. She told me following out last meeting, she had spoken to the consultant and they had agreed on 3 meetings with me, seeing as I didn't want to engage, and then, I presume, discharging me from the service. I just kind of "uh-huhed" and changed the subject.
How do I bring up with her that I have changed my mind, that I feel I need the service, and the only reason I was so dismissive of everything was a mixture of being pissed, embarrassed and feeling very vulnerable the last time I spoke to her? Do I even have a right to ask? Should I expect her to say "OK, that's fine", or "too late, you had your chance"?
Today as well I got the news that the place where I am living is no longer offering their services to people aged 16-25, it is now going to 16-21. This means that now I need to move. It isn't an immediate thing, they wont leave me on the streets or anything, but I do need to try to find suitable accommodation other than here.
The Housing Executive have been horrible to deal with here. To begin with, they said I was intentionally homeless, a decision which they were forced to review and overturn, and now they are saying, OK, you are unintentionally homeless but you are not in priority need. Despite the fact I meet more than half the list of criteria, of which you only have to meet one thing. I sent an email on Monday, of which I have heard nothing back, and left a few phone messages for the woman dealing with me, none of which have been returned. I made an appointment with Foyle Advocates, who were really helpful while I was in hospital and who have promised that they will help me come to some sort of resolution on the matter.
DLA is yet to be sorted out because they haven't got all the information they need yet, so a decision has yet to be made. Meanwhile, I am skint, I cant move forward on some things like housing, because I haven't been awarded the DLA yet, and everyone seems to measure your needs based on the outcome of your eligibility for certain benefits, which is both ridiculous, and counter productive.
Nothing has changed since I tried to take my life. I was completely overwhelmed by everything. I had lost my home, my partner, had my previous life torn from me, went to a hellhole for a few weeks, ran from refuge to refuge and settled back in Northern Ireland with nothing but a suitcase and not a single person to put down even as a next of kin. I know no-one in the area, have no support system, and flashbacks, nightmares and dissociative symptoms are at the worst they have been in a long time. I have had to fight tooth and nail for something as basic as housing, despite meeting criteria, and have come across constant obstacles in anything I have tried to pursue. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Being in hospital served as a suspension of reality, it allowed me to lose focus of the real issues for a while in favour of focusing on getting discharged, but now I am out, I am back to square one, and back in the emotional mess I was before, but now with the cherry on top of having to move from a place I had just started to think of as somewhere where I could at least maybe tap into the support.
Then there is all the emotional crap on top of that. Trying to deal with losing time and coming round to all my money being gone (before I went grocery shopping or paid bills), not sleeping well, my head being rammed up my own arse not knowing which way I am coming or going and generally being an incapable mess. Maybe I just feel like I am coming up against walls with everything because of how much I am struggling, and not able to deal with the basic stuff, and actually, everything is OK? No, it is far from OK, but I do think my inability to function is certainly playing a role in all of this.
I feel like I cant even leave the flat because I don't want to be around people.
I am back where I was maybe a week before I went into hospital. This is suffocating.