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Thursday, 14 July 2011

Verbal discharge

I have a date for discharge. I will have been here 4wks on saturday, and thorally sick of it. I am due to get out this thursday. There is a discharge meeting then and i am due to get out straight afterwards.
Since i have been given a date for discharge, something to look forward to, something to aim for, my mood has picked up a bit. The thing is though, the good mood i dont know if i am functioning outwardly or if i am truly functioning. I am finding when i allow myself to stop, anything, think, listen to the contents of my head, the blackness sweeps in like a tide. Then i just shake myself and try to up my mood again, or give in to it to the extent that i lose time and pop back later feeling to exhausted and with a sore head so i give up on the facade and take to bed.
I feel like i should be acting ok though, like my mood should be great because i am getting out. It is what people would 'expect'. But i dont feel it. My mind is swimming back to ways of ending everything again, the opportunities i will have to end it all, the means i could employ, how effective. Plan B, C, D, etc.
But i was starting to feel a bit better. I dont think i was suicidal a few days ago, but then again, i wasnt faced with the opportunity to act on anything then. Has anything truly changed, or has my stay here just delayed the inevitable, or took a few weeks to allow myself a break for a few days from the suicidal thoughts? Have i just been hiding from how i feel? How can you be suicidal for months, not be for 2 days, then be as bad as ever? Does the not planning my demise for 2 days consitute an improvement, or just taking a break?
My mood has been fairly consistently low. Until monday. I put on my face for the consultant, went in, was told about discharge and since then have struggled to stay 'happy' making me look, probably, erratic and unstable. I am trying to keep up the dischargable front. Its so fucking hard though.
I dont think i will be as bad once i am out of here though. Maybe being home, getting out of here and being around my things, having the freedom to come and go, do what i like when i like and not succumbing to the iatrogenic distresses of ward living, i may be better, i may improve. I think i will. Without the pressure of having to be fine, maybe it will be ok. Maybe i will be ok.
Here is a case of constantly losing time, a very loud head, things being a hell of a lot more unstable than they normally would be and trying to hide all of the above from prying eyes and scribbling pens so discharge wont be put off any longer. And having to keep everything in when i feel like i am going to explode, being overrun by all this immersing my thought process, having other parts lecture, rant and moan at me and about me and the whole time when being asked by nurses 'how are you' going into the superficial nothingness of skimming the surface.
I wish i was able to feel comfortable enough with people, trust people enough to be able to let someone in. For all my saying talking doesn't help, i really wish i was able to tell someone who can help everything that is going on in my head and hopefully it would be like splitting the load and not carrying the weight alone.
My poor phone cant take much more before needing to be handed in to be charged, so going to wrap this little tangent up.

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